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duplicitymemes2022-01-10 07:43 pm
duplicitymods) wrote in duplicitymemes2022-01-10 07:43 pm
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TDM #22
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It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit. Yet, solace is found in the lies we tell each other, comforted by the peace of knowing that we're not alone in our depravity, and once on this path, sin itself becomes the lesser of two evils masked in a cloud of normalcy. This is how Duplicity has functioned since the beginning. The divide of power and social standing is overt in that Dominants influence the decisions made both publicly and privately while Submissives cater to the rules presented to them. It is the way of Duplicity to assign random designations at birth with no leeway in altering what has been given. Climate in the Up is far stricter than that of the Down; violating outlined personas for a Dominant or Submissive while in full view of others is punished by degree of infraction. In the Down, many tend to turn a blind eye to these sorts of offenses. To counteract the discovery of the Deceit Gene – a natural "negative" response to all stimuli – the L.I.E.S. program was founded. The program had been designed to introduce new subjects to the current environment and test for the Deceit Gene through immersion in Duplicity's standing society. Sexual impulses and encounters increase the chances of detecting the gene within these individuals. Participants are typically released from L.I.E.S. after a year; however, results have remained unsatisfactory and testing still continues. ... and you’re here! Finally! Welcome to Duplicity. After choosing a door and stepping through to the other side, the first thing that greets you are the enthusiastic faces of people in medical scrubs and pristine lab coats. Their enthusiasm translates to eagerness as they strip you of your clothes to perform a thorough examination—you will be healed, bathed, and given a paper gown to wear until your items can be processed and delivered to your residence later in the evening. You are also given a device that accesses the network as well as the time and location of orientation. If you enter Duplicity into the Up, congratulations! You’re a Dominant, which means you are immediately picked up by a limo after processing and taken to your highrise. Here, it is two Dominants per floor with separate apartments. If you enter Duplicity into the Down, congratulations! You’re a Submissive, which means you are directed towards public transportation with the address of the motel you’ll be living in. Here, it is two Submissives per room with a shared common space for all rooms. Enjoy your free time until orientation! Participation is mandatory by all new and old arrivals. Winter is here and snow flurries are common in the Up while the slush collects in the Down. |
 After stepping through the door and participating in orientation, LIERS are assembled together in the Up for a tour of Duplicity in its entirety. Seats are in pairs and randomly assigned to Dominants and Submissives alike. Traveling from Fiddler's Square, the train journeys through various parts of the Up, showcasing society and examples of lifestyle. Along the way, frequent stops are made; a variety of passengers can be seen exiting and entering the doors. A Dominant with a kneeling Submissive takes a seat near the front of the train at one stop. A small group of Submissives board and sit closer to the LIERS at another, all seemingly content in their roles. As the tour continues through the Up, the train passes close to the Market and White Wall Bridge and zips by North Park before heading into the Down and bypassing Red Wall Bridge and South Park. The train makes a "final" stop at Riddler's Square, where inhabitants of the Down are instructed to return to their temporary housing. Those who live in the Up are permitted to stay on the train and revisit the same locations while returning. |
 As a particularly heavy snowstorm blows across the city, Duplicity finds itself blanketed in white. The morning after the storm, many citizens seem to be in a particularly mischievous mood and snowballs are a common sight flying through the air. A projectile meant for someone else may hit you square in the face if you're not careful — and then it's on. Joining these impromptu snow battles is encouraged, no matter a person's designation, and even Submissives teaming up to pelt unsuspecting Dominants with snowballs is generally taken in the spirit of good fun. Not everyone is throwing snow, of course — some are rolling much larger balls and shaping them into lewd snow figures. Those feeling chilled after playing in the snow may experience the urge to warm up with someone else, skin to skin. Whether they're a stranger or a familiar face, holding hands, kissing, or getting down and dirty with the nearest willing partner is invigorating. It might even be the only way to really feel warm again. |
 (cw: aphro, humiliation kink) Want to make some quick cash? After exiting the train in the Down, there seems to be a questionable character hanging about the station. Dressed in a trenchcoat and looking more like a flasher than the businessman he claims to be, this shady recruiter offers easy money in exchange for a simple delivery. Just take a package and drop it off at the address on the label. Really, that's it! Stop asking questions. Should characters decide to open the package themselves instead, they'll discover one of the following: glitter — so much glitter, lube (appears normal, but actually contains hot pepper and will cause more than a mild tingling sensation if used anywhere sensitive), a package of flavored condoms mysteriously labeled "every flavor" (none of them taste good), candy or perfume containing an aphrodisiac that, in addition to the usual libido-boosting effect, will also cause an intense craving for humiliation. It seems to be one of those services that allows one to send anonymous prank gifts, and they're hiding behind LIERs as couriers. There's no return address or company information on or inside the package, except for a card marked Encoded Sin Corp — which does not seem to be a real company if the name is searched. Whether characters end up delivering the package — maybe even to a fellow LIER — or get into some trouble along the way, someone is getting a nasty surprise. |
 (cw: aphro, dubcon, excessive fluids, exhibitionism, public use)A small winter market has been set up along one of the major streets in the Up with stalls selling a variety of goods ranging from knitted hats and scarves, soaps, scented lotions, candles, jewelry, artwork and assorted crafts to hand-dyed bondage rope and kinky leather accessories. Food and drink stands are plentiful as well. Strings of lights crisscross the street between the roofs of the shops, providing a cheerful glow, and there are tables set up in the street itself for people to sit and chat while having a snack — if they can stand the cold. Some of the most popular treats being sold are hot chocolate, eggnog, marshmallow snowmen, and sugar cookies decorated like snowflakes. Of course, their popularity may have something to do with the effects they produce when consumed. • The hot chocolate simply gets one all hot and bothered. • The eggnog may cause heavy production of sexual fluids, a desire to be filled or covered with someone else's cream, or all of the above. • The marshmallow snowmen will make those who eat them want to invite others to use them as they please, desiring nothing more than to be molded into the perfect fucktoy. • The sugar cookies seem to induce all sorts of different cravings — after all, no two snowflakes are alike! These effects tend to last at least an hour and may, in some cases, last up to a full day. One of the jewelry shops sells an unusual selection of compass pendants and bracelets. The compass arrows spin round and round lazily while the pieces are on display. Once worn, however, that changes. The arrow will settle on a direction, but instead of pointing north it will lead directly to another person. Perhaps you should speak to them? You may even begin to feel magnetically drawn to them yourself… In the event that two people have compasses that point them at each other, the attraction will be even stronger — nearly impossible to deny. There is another shop which sells intricately designed pocket watches and small clocks. When these timepieces are stared at for an extended length of time or picked up and handled, characters will feel a brief but strong connection to their past and experience a vivid flashback to some moment that was, in whatever way, meaningful for them. After reliving the memory, they will feel compelled to speak about it to whoever is nearby. |
Please read carefully. On each Test Drive Meme, there will be a section noting character roles; these will vary each TDM. On an IC level, characters will still have gone through the doors but assignments OOCly are still randomized. When applying, there is a section of the application that denotes whether the character chooses "left" or "right." When participating on the TDM, there will be a third option. Players may link either a top level or a thread (five or more comments from their character) from the TDM and title the link as "Door Pass." This means that the player is choosing to take the designation that they were randomly assigned on the TDM, rather than taking the designation of a door. If the player decides to select a door rather than use the pass, then they are trying their luck; they may get the same designation they had on the TDM or the opposite. Once the application is submitted, players can't change their choice. To assign roles to characters for this TDM, use the following guide: If your character likes it hot, they are a Dominant. If your character prefers the cold, they are a Submissive. To Note: Characters can only swap their designation for one of the following reasons: an event occurs that allows it or there are OOC reasons that make it a necessity. Any swap always requires mod approval and each character can only ever switch once. Characters that are being reapped will keep their previous designation but players can choose to use new TDMs with different designations for fun! Test Drive threads can be used as activity proofs for characters currently in-game. Please remember to mark any necessary content, and have fun!! |
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Down Atsushi goes, his arms wrapped around the package to protect it as he crashes into the pavement. Everything hurts, but that is normal; he's vaguely scared for his life, but that is normal, too. (In a way, as much as he hates Akutagawa, fighting the guy is the most normal he ever feels. He doesn't have to pretend, at times like this.) Something in his body still feels strange, but that is clearly of later concern when he has a package to deliver.
He tries to struggle on on his knees and one arm, the other still clutching the package. Pulling on his trapped leg is all but useless, but he does it anyway; then he transforms his legs into the tiger's. Even if he can't get Akutagawa to let go like that, if he transforms his legs back in a moment, there should be enough space to escape Rashoumon's grip, right?!
"You failed my job for me!" That is definitely not the correct way of putting that, but he's a little too desperate to worry about proper descriptions, here. "It's only fair that I get to deliver your package!"
How desperate to do your job can you be...
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Of course, the same could be said about Akutagawa losing his package to Atsushi, but that isn't the point.
Rashoumon squeezes Atsushi's leg tightly, only to expand slightly when Atsushi's leg is transformed. By transforming his leg back quickly, Atsushi's plan works and he worms his way free of Akutagawa's grasp. Angered, Akutagawa lashes out again, this time with Rashoumon's jaws. He doesn't particularly care where the blow lands, as long as it does, and as long as he can take a chunk out of his enemy.
cw blood
Freed at last, Atsushi clambers to his feet and starts running again, though it doesn't last very long. It's barely a second before Rashoumon's jaws grab him, digging into his right shoulder and his lower back. He screams, but there's not much he can do: he tries, like the single-minded idiot this confrontation has made him, to just keep running, but that accomplishes little but tearing his own flesh... and his clothes.
With the back end of his suspenders being a primary casualty, his pants slide down somewhat behind, exposing his underwear and a strip of skin underneath, blood dripping down from his back over both. He freezes on the spot, shivering... but somehow it's not from the cold, the way it should be. Why does he suddenly feel so -...
It's probably only a moment that he can't bring himself to move with the throb of something running through him; outright forgets to move, even. But no doubt that is more than enough for Akutagawa to strike again.
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... but he intends to keep his word. That doesn't mean that he'll call off this fight easily, though, so he takes the opportunity of attack when it's presented to him. Rashoumon's jaws disappear, only to be replaced with sharp tendrils once more. They aim to cut through Atsushi's unwounded shoulder, hoping to weaken his grasp on the package -- which Akutagawa reaches for with a separate tendril, wrapping around the box and trying to tug it from Atsushi's grasp.
He doesn't bother to consider just why Atsushi had stopped moving. The perfume had dripped down the weretiger's arm; Akutagawa hadn't had any direct contact with it. While the scent in the air lingered, it was slower to affect him than it would be Atsushi. For now, he's mostly still clear-headed, despite the quickening of his pulse and a slight pink hue to his cheeks.
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... isn't his 'little tiger' suddenly standing at attention?
Realizing that only makes him harder, and when Akutagawa stabs him again, the impact shaking his entire body, the loud: "Ah!" that Atsushi lets out definitely doesn't sound like a pure cry of pain. Wounded though he may be, Atsushi suddenly has yet another reason to keep hold of that package like his life depends on it: he needs to keep himself covered. Even if he's still almost completely clothed, the tent he's pitching needs to be covered!
Desperate and yet unable to do a whole lot, he lets himself fall to his knees, shaking as he bends awkwardly over the package as if to protect it. But that, by now, is not his only goal. If Akutagawa manages to pull at the box, that's fine: Atsushi can't really prevent him from doing so. But Atsushi will continue to cling to the box like an extra layer of unnecessary packaging.
That his pants slide further down his backside in this position and with this movement, the ice cold air making him shiver in his underwear, somehow only makes him feel stranger in a way that probably shouldn't feel good, but definitely doesn't feel bad.
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What the hell...?
Akutagawa steps forward when he realizes that Atsushi won't be getting up, raising a leg and stepping on the weretiger's injured shoulder. Digging his heel into the wound, Akutagawa grinds his foot downwards. He's not particularly a sadist -- he prefers cleaner, more instant kills -- but when it comes to Atsushi, he'll make an exception. Especially now that he can't simply kill him.
"What are you doing?" Why isn't he letting go? Has Akutagawa not put him through enough by now? This all really would be easier if he could just kill him.
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He's really at his limit; he knows he can't win anymore, if he ever could. And he can accept that, but it still bothers him that Akutagawa could win, instead! ... Or that's what he thinks until Akutagawa steps on him, targeting his worst wound, and it hurts so much, yet... at the same time, beaten and humiliated and stepped on for good measure, Atsushi comes in his underwear, and the front of his pants that's still mostly intact.
Never in his life has he been so grateful that he's basically rolled all the way around a package, so that even his face is hidden in the would-be ball that his body forms.
"..." He's really not trying to be defiant by not immediately answering. He just doesn't know what to say - and then Akutagawa finds a particularly sore spot again in his grinding, and Atsushi makes a sound that's more like whining (for better or worse) than a cry of pain. (He's come, yes, but the effect of the perfume has not quite worn off yet. Or maybe he's still high enough on it that the pain is now doing it for him.)
Gasping for air when he finds a moment between waves of pain, he finally manages a response, more or less. "Your package... is stained."
It's probably only blood: he still has his clothes (mostly) on, after all. But with how he's curled around the package, he certainly feels like he dirtied it with something more.
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No, something about it feels off. Why is Atsushi not fighting back harder?
"Get up," Akutagawa growls, voice low and threatening. He kicks Atsushi in the back of his shoulder again for good measure, blissfully unaware of the unfortunate state that he's put the other in. "What is wrong with you?"
If he knew, Akutagawa might have felt a new emotion for once. He would be mortified. He's faced many an opponent, and he's never affected someone like this. The whine catches him by surprise. What kind of pathetic mewling is that? It doesn't sound like a cry of pain. It sounds like something else entirely, though Akutagawa can't quite piece together what.
The idea that the package is ruined incenses him further. "Let go of it before I sever your limbs from your body." It's an empty threat, considering how Atsushi is curled around the parcel would make it particularly hard to do so without damaging it further.
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What is wrong with him? For once, Akutagawa makes a very good point - but Atsushi doesn't have an answer. More than that: he's not sure he can think about it clearly yet, when he's still feeling oddly like he's about to fall into a food coma, except with a lot more arousal mixed in. He's shaking, and he doesn't even know which part of his complicated feelings is causing that.
"I'm... telling you..." He tries to be firm about it, but that's not as easy as it should be, and that's only in part because he's so curled up he's practically mumbling against his arms. Everything is strange and messed up, and the fact that it's Akutagawa witnessing this just makes for additional humiliation. "... it's ruined. Just leave me alone..."
He almost, almost adds a 'please'. As it is, there's still no fight in his words at all, just a tired defeat. He's already failed at his job. Does he really need the figurative kick while he's down, on top of the literal one?!
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As much as he wants forsake his promise and murder Atsushi, he is a man of his word. He'll let Atsushi go this time. It's clear that he's at least won the fight, regardless of hollow the victory is.
He has not, however, given up on his package. Stained or not, Akutagawa has a job to complete and he intends to see it through. He's offer his strictest apologies, of course, but bloodied and battered is par for the course for him. If the man hiring him had wanted anything else, he should have hired another courier.
"As long as the contents are still in tact, I do not care about the packaging." He kneels down, staring at Atsushi with intensity.
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However, he really can't give up what little protection the bloodstained box offers him, either...
Carefully looking up at Akutagawa with bleary eyes from behind his arms, Atsushi decides that Akutagawa's response actually offers a solution to both of their problems, in a way. Akutagawa wants the contents, and Atsushi wants the packaging. Well, then...
Summoning what little strength he has left - he honestly can't even bring himself to argue with Akutagawa, which is saying something - Atsushi transforms a single nail, using the resulting claw to carefully slice the package open. There! Akutagawa can take out the contents, and Atsushi can hide his dick in a box. It's win-win.
One problem decidedly remaining is that the destination is written on the package, not its contents. But given how much blood has gotten onto the box by now, the address definitely unreadable anyway.
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More than that, though, is the issue of the fact that Atsushi has destroyed his task. Losing the potential payment is of less concern to Akutagawa than being unable to complete a job. Once again, the strong desire to murder Atsushi on the spot swells up inside of him. It would be so simple. The weretiger is completely defenseless and distracted. Rashoumon could devour him easily.
But they have a deal, so instead of summoning his ability, Akutagawa kneels in front of Atsushi and grabs him by his hair, yanking his head back so he's forced to look at him. His eyes flash, the strong hatred that he feels only for his mentor's replacement obvious.
"You," he growls, not bothering to hide the disdain in his voice. "I'll slaughter you here."
He will not.
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Between his genuine feelings and the second dose of perfume, and perhaps the clarity that comes after coming, Atsushi's head briefly feels very empty, though it's not altogether a bad feeling. Unfortunately for Atsushi, it isn't meant to last: Akutagawa yanks his head back by the hair, and Atsushi cries out, before his eyes, getting slightly teary from the pain, manage to focus on Akutagawa.
"I'm... sorry..." He will never admit to saying such a thing later, just for the record. This is the literal worst, because he hates Akutagawa, but right now, that only makes him hornier. Everything is so, so wrong, but having Akutagawa near him at all practically counts as humiliation, and being beaten by Akutagawa in a fight even more so. He hates it and he's getting hard again and he hates that, too, and he just can't handle all these overwhelming feelings, let alone all of them at once. He forces his eyes to close, even though that's rather uncomfortable in this position. "I'm sorry!"
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Then, because Atsushi has destroyed it entirely, Akutagawa rips the package away from him, revealing the other's unfortunate situation. Akutagawa hadn't been sure what had made Atsushi such a weak opponent all of the sudden, and now that he is face to face with it, he wishes he still did not know. In shock, he lets go of Atsushi's hair completely and takes a step back.
This cursed place lent itself to situations like this, but even knowing that does not make this remotely more understandable. This is his enemy, his competition for Dazai's praise. The only way they should be looking at each other is with hate in their eyes.
Completely unaware that humiliation has played a factor in this at all, Akutagawa steps forward again to kick Atsushi flat on the ground. If he succeeds, he'll step on him once more -- he doesn't care where his foot lands, so long as it crushes some part of the weretiger.
"You. You can't even resist the effects of this place?" Nevermind that Akutagawa had fallen prey to them before as well. "You're not worthy of him at all."
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Kicked over, he wishes he could curl in on himself again, but Akutagawa steps on him again once he's flat on his face, and that's the end of that. With his erection now pressing against the hard ground, it's more painful than before. Atsushi tries not to sob too loudly. That, at least, is a skill he's perfected since long ago, though the way his shoulders move up and down as he lies there still makes it pretty obvious what he's doing. (Then again, he could be trying to escape Akutagawa's foot. Theoretically.)
Whatever Akutagawa means with 'the effects of this place', Atsushi can only agree that he's a terrible person, if a person at all, and he's definitely not worthy of anyone. But while he thoroughly agrees with Akutagawa on something for a change, it's only afterwards that he starts to wonder who, in particular, Akutagawa was even talking about. It's a strange sort of distraction in the haze of his current mindset, but even in this state, of course it doesn't take long at all to figure out.
"Dazai-san..?" Always a good idea to mention that name, clearly. Maybe Atsushi is just desperate to cling to that familiar person, his familiar strength and support.
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"Get up," he snarls, digging the toe of his boot into the back of Atsushi's head. Despite his words, he seems to be pressing Atsushi more into the ground -- at least until Atsushi makes the mistake of saying Dazai's name out loud. Suddenly, the grind of Akutagawa's foot stops and settles on the ground beside Atsushi's head.
"You have no right to say that name now." It isn't fair. This is who Dazai finds worthy of his praise? Atsushi won't even stand up (ignoring that Akutagawa hasn't given him much of a chance to), too embarrassed by a natural body function to hold his ground. "What do you think he'd say if he saw you now?" Akutagawa grits his teeth; knowing his luck, he'd probably still coddle Atsushi.
"It's an erection. You're not dying."
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No... No, Dazai is probably the only person who could forgive him for something like this. Even if he might slap him again and -...
Atsushi can't even tell if he's physically come again or if it's just something that happened in his mind, the perfume overdose clouding everything. But he does, at that point, seem to get some clarity back, and he sits up, not because Akutagawa told him to get up, but because lying on the ground like that was really painful (shut up!). He's a sad mess, even sitting, scratches and the remains of more serious wounds all over, his hair an even bigger mess than normal.
"Dazai-san... would forgive me." It's more than Atsushi deserves, but the knowledge gives him a little strength all the same. He could never have broken out of this by himself, but thinking about Dazai gives him a bit of backbone he sorely needs right now.
Not that he's doing anything but sitting on his knees with his head lowered, but hey, it's a start. Or something like that.
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"Then climb to your feet."
Akutagawa wanted to believe that if he was in a similar situation, he would have been stronger than this.
Wrapping his fingers in Atsushi's hair once more, he jerked his head up, forcing him to look Akutagawa in the eye. "Look at me. Don't disgrace Dazai-san by falling to your knees the moment you face hardship. You'll never make it in this city if you do."
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Already standing up, Akutagawa grabs him before Atsushi has quite stretched his legs, and he yelps. Oh, for -... He's already standing up! If he's already standing up, why does Akutagawa still insist on yanking at his hair?! (Well, Akutagawa is just like that. And also: Atsushi's hair is just that bad. It makes sense, really.)
It's hard to concentrate on what Akutagawa is saying, and Atsushi grabs hold of the guy's wrist - not to try getting him to let go, but to hopefully ease the pressure somewhat, pulling Akutagawa's hand down a fraction - or himself up. Then he belatedly hears Akutagawa's words, and the physical pain is forgotten.
"Eh?" What exactly is Akutagawa saying? Is he... actually looking out for Atsushi, in some messed up way???
... No, that can't be. And yet, somehow the words still hit a lot harder than they have any right to. Atsushi does kind of feel like he has brought shame on Dazai-san now, even though practically none of this was his choice.
"... I got it." Maybe. He thinks.
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"Good."
He lets go of Atsushi's hair only when Atsushi is standing up fully, yanking his hand back and out of the weretiger's grasp. Only when he does, he immediately puts it in front of his face to cover a cough. His lungs burn in his chest, and it takes effort to not hunch over. Had he really overexerted himself over a squabble? That's more humiliating than the coughing fit itself.
He's just going to ignore the chill that runs down his spine. He may not be able to kill Atsushi, but he can certainly kill whatever weird effects that perfume has.
Not acknowledging his coughing fit once he stops, he speaks to Atsushi as though nothing is wrong. "Whatever you do here, just stay out of my way."
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"I wasn't planning to get in it!" Though he also won't keep from doing so if the situation demands it, but, you know. The suggestion that he would seek out Akutagawa just to cause trouble is definitely turning the world upside down!
Then he stands there a little awkwardly, trying to figure out if their fight is really over. It seems to be..? And that makes him happy (apart from perhaps some lingering spasms of that perfume), but it's always weird when Akutagawa isn't actively trying to kill him. Akutagawa's murder tendencies are annoying, it's true, but at least they're predictable. Those rare instances when they briefly stop, and Akutagawa seems a lot more human than usual, Atsushi can't figure out what to think about the guy anymore.
"Hey." Oooookay maybe he'll get murdered after all, just for that simple sound - but he needs to attract Akutagawa's attention, here! And he needs to do so in a way that isn't punching him. "Are you going to be okay?" With the coughing, he means, though he's polite(?) enough not to specify that. It's true that Akutagawa has always been coughing a lot, but this is a different world, so whatever treatment he might have received before may not be available. "You don't need medicine or something, do you?"
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He seems to be finished with it, though, when he doesn't move to attack Atsushi again. He almost seems to be back at his apathetic baseline before Atsushi makes the mistake of bringing up his illness. His eyes narrow and he wishes he could answer with Rashoumon as opposed to using his words.
"I'll be fine." The word is said pointedly, harshly. The last thing he needs is Atsushi worrying over his health. It's degrading. "I can handle myself."
More than anything, he hates that Atsushi has a point. Without his treatment back home, he'll surely have to find a doctor, and he remembers from before just how difficult it can be for LIERs to get much of anything, especially when they're Submissives. His best bet would to be to find another LIER, but... The idea of having to ask for help somehow burns more than the feeling in his lungs.
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What to do..? He tries and tries to think, even though he's much better at simply acting than he is at clever plotting. For that, he would really need Dazai's -...
Ah! Got it!
"... If you die because you don't take care of yourself... you'll bring more shame on Dazai-san than I do."
Most people would say that is the case anyway, but not Atsushi. Because apparently bad things like chopping people up can't reflect poorly on Dazai when Akutagawa does them. They're bad things, yes, but just part of the mafia job, and clearly not even a little bit Dazai's fault.
Well... if Atsushi were to deem anything that Akutagawa does Dazai's fault, then his own abuse at Akutagawa's hands would be Dazai's fault as well. And that is not an option.
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He always has a habit of saying more than he means to around Atsushi. He's so unwilling to admit a weakness that even most of the mafia doesn't realize how bad off he's gotten. When he speaks, he regrets it instantly. "I'll find a doctor."
He doesn't want to. Back home, he could trust the mafia doctor, but here, he had no reason to trust anyone. If it got out that he isn't as strong as he wants people to believe, he's not sure he'd be able to handle it. What if Dazai showed up? He already exists in a world where Dazai isn't proud of him; giving him more of a reason not to be is unthinkable.
He already feels that the only thing Dazai sees him as good for is supporting Atsushi. If it turns out Akutagawa can't even do that, then what worth does he have?